Facts About Me

Patrick Hayes:

  • Is a two-time creator of human life
  • Has seen LFO, The Outfield, and Nickelback in concert
  • Is an occasionally published writer
  • Sometimes tries standup comedy
  • Desperately wants to the world to see Idris Elba on the outside, but is really Bea Arthur on the inside
  • Uses em-dashes instead of commas and also doesn’t really know what an em-dash is
  • Has a wardrobe made nearly exclusively of Flint, Michigan, t-shirts
  • Thinks Aerosmith had a better career than the Rolling Stones
  • Has tattoos but would lose in a fight to anyone

If you’d like me to nervously tell jokes in front of tens of people, write stories for you, or naively open phishing emails: patrickhayes13(at)prontonmail(dot)com. You can also find me on Twitter or Instagram.